The surprising thing about grief...

Several people have asked me how my Christmas went this year...they've been very kind and thoughtful about the fact that this is our first Christmas since my Mom passed away in August. I appreciate the questions, and the concern behind them, but sometimes I don't know how to answer...and to be honest, it feels to me like I don't have a good answer.

The experts tell us that there is no "right" way to grieve, and that everyone grieves differently. As I look back on the different times I've lost someone, either to death, relocation, the end of a relationship, Illness, dementia, or some other cause...it seems to me that my grief is always different. The holiday season wasn't at all what I thought it would be, in terms of feeling the loss of my Mom. I think the most difficult part of the past two months was the first week of November, when I anticipated the beginning of our shared birthday week...and the coming of Thanksgiving. When the birthdays finally arrived, the pain of the actual experience was not nearly as deep as the anticipation...

I keep wondering whether I'm grieving enough...and then I have these odd moments when grief strikes...like the night I was making my Mom's sugar cookies for Christmas, and something didn't seem right...I wanted to call her and ask what to do. In that moment, the reality of her absence hit hard...and I felt an incredible sadness that I can't talk to her about cookies anymore.

For me, grief comes in random moments, and usually when I'm alone...when I was together with the family celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas, I was too much "in the moment" to be very painfully aware of Mom's absence...though I certainly missed her being with us.

The hardest times for me have been while walking to my car in the parking garage at work...making cookies...and even something so odd as getting out of bed in the morning, and noticing that my thighs and knees remind me of my Mom's legs...tears well up, and I get a lump in my throat. It is in those isolated moments when I connect to the pain...when I keenly feel the empty place left by her absence.

When friends ask me about Christmas, and about what it was like for Mom to not be with us...I feel stuck...as if trying to explain my grief would be way too weird for anyone to understand. Does it make sense to say that I didn't cry on Christmas Day when we were all together as a family...but I cried when I got out of bed that morning because my legs reminded me of my Mom?? Not really, it doesn't...unless you're me...and you're experiencing the loss as I am experiencing it...

I don't know why I felt the need to write about this today, but I think maybe it's because people need to hear that grief looks different for everyone. If you're grieving something...anything...be comforted with this truth: Your grief is your grief. It's not someone else's grief, and someone else doesn't know anything about the right way for you to grieve.

If you need to talk about it...talk about it.

If you need to be quiet and sit it out...that's good too.

If you need to spend time alone, there's nothing wrong with that...but if you don't want to be alone, that's also perfectly normal.

There is no formula...no correct way to grieve. Your way is the way...for you. And if your experience of grief is anything like mine...you may find that it sometimes surprises you, and that's okay too.