I got these stones at Ft. Knox...

I got these stones at Ft. Knox. I've been self-protecting all my life. Am I better than, or not good enough? I need some trusting and vulnerable Susie stones.
When I sat down to write this morning, I had absolutely no intention to write about my stones...none. In fact, in recent days I realized that I had actually forgotten my "stones" altogether...and wondered what the significance of my forgetfulness might be...
"Stones" are something that is given to you as a part of a transformational workshop called The Barnabas Journey (www.barnabasjourney.org). They are intended to provide each participant with a mirror to themself, and the unhealthy ways in which that person does life. For me, the unhealthiness has been largely about self-protection, and using external performance to keep relational risk at a safe distance. This morning, as I continued my reading, the passage that I read brought my stones to mind...and I felt compelled to write about it here.
From autumn's profligate seedings to the great spring giveaway, nature teaches a steady lesson: if we want to save our lives, we cannot cling to them but must spend them with abandon. -Parker Palmer
Whoever wishes to save his life shall lose it; but whoever loses his life for my sake shall find it. -Jesus
Seems to me that there is nothing spiritual about self-protection, although from a practical standpoint, it's looking pretty attractive to me as a life strategy right now! And by the way, by quoting Jesus in this passage, I'm not trying to make my current sense of loss into some great "loss for Jesus" thing...because it isn't that at all. The message for me is all about what it means to let go, and live life, spiritually and otherwise, with abandon...this approach to life opens one up to a level of risk that can be pretty daunting, especially after having lived for so many years behind the armor of self-protection. I am weighing the risks at present...I think that in the end, I'll probably have to agree with C.S. Lewis...again...
"The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal." -A Grief Observed
We can't live our lives with great abandon and avoid pain...but on the other hand, we can't live our lives with great abandon and avoid happiness either...and that, perhaps, is the best lesson of all.

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