Undertow

When I was in my early teens, my family lived in Southern California, and we used to go to Huntington Beach alot. Depending on the weather and the moon I guess, there would sometimes be warnings about riptides, and a dangerous undertow...I remember a time when I got caught in a very bad riptide, and could not get my feet underneath me...I kept being knocked down, sucked under, and pulled deeper out and away from people and safety...even tonight as I write this, I have the clearest memory of the sensation of going under, spinning around, and not knowing up from down in the water. I thought that I would drown that day.

I'll never know for sure what happened, or why I popped up eventually, rather than going under permanently...but I remember giving in to the tide...I quit fighting it at some point. I feel very much like I did that day...under water, spinning, with absolutely no idea whether I'm coming up or going under. I just know that tonight I feel farther from home and the safety of shore than I have ever been, and just days ago...mere hours ago...I thought I was home at long last...I was so very wrong about that, stupidly, horribly wrong.

And so I tumble along, under water...hoping right side up will somehow come from upside down.

It would be spiritual I suppose, to say that I find some hope in God or scripture, but from my place underwater, in this moment, it would not be true. Truth, as much as we are able to grasp it, is the main thing about being spiritual in any authentic way...and so I won't say what is not truth for me right now. I will only say that riptides are strong and frightening, as much as they are unrelenting and unpredictable , and I cannot know what I might say tomorrow.