I would give anything...


...for my Mom to look this good again. I remember at the time, I was so distressed by how frail she looked, but as I sit here with her tonight, and listen to the bubbles in the oxygen machine, I would give anything for her to be back up, holding Lexi. She's holding Ava in this picture. Her first great-grandchild. Ava will be 3 in September, and her sister Lexi turned 1 on this past Thursday. Lexi was due in November of 2009, and was born in July...she weighed just 1 lb, 5 oz at birth, and is one of the micro-preemie miracle babies that survive amazing odds. We celebrated Lexi's birthday today with family and friends, but Mom of course, was not able to be with us. She is sleeping beside me now, and I'm trying to understand how to live in the world without my Mom in it.

When I think about people who loose their mother's at a younger age, especially kids...I am grateful to have had my Mom for so long...still, there is never a time when life without a Mom is a good thing. Our mothers are our frame of reference for virtually everything in life. My Mom's voice has been silenced for a couple of weeks now, and I cannot describe how much I ache to hear her voice again...to say anything. She is completely still and silent...only the sound of breathing and the oxygen tank remains. I wish for her to come back to us, but I wish more for her to be free of this suspended state of emptiness...I don't know whether she feels pain, or is lonely...or longing to communicate, or what. I don't know anything about what she's going through, but it seems like it's not good...and so I want her to be free. I want the suffering and the waiting to be finished. I hope that everything we believe about God and Jesus and heaven is true...I hope that when she is finished with this misery, she will wake to love and family and joy.

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